A Lock From My Love

Hi all, Yesterday I noticed blonde strands on Sally’s shoulders. It was a rough day. The boys had left for school and camp. Matthew dropped them off and was on his way to work. I was home alone. Immediately after noticing¬† I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut a lock for keeping of her beautiful snowy blonde hair. Afterwords I started to unravel. Matt and I made a pact to not cry in front of Sally. Luckily it was time for her to take a nap. So I fed her in the dark silently crying so she couldn’t see me. The color of her skin has also changed. This is a look all too familiar, but not one I ever imagine on a 10 month old, our 10 month old. It breaks my heart. Whenever I was alone yesterday I sobbed. I knew it would pass. In the long journey it’s the least of our worries. Still in the moment my breathe was paralyzed and stomach hollow. It was a day to mourn the normal milestones I had with Thomas and William. Our path with Sally will have different high’s and lows. I know we will meet them head on together as a family. After a day of Kleenex I woke up with boxing gloves!



17 Responses

  1. Cynthia
    Cynthia July 24, 2013 at 8:12 pm | | Reply

    And you for writing that Nicole…is is going to be very hard for you and Matt but your both such strong, loving parents. It’s going to be tough, but Sally is a fighter and got that from you both! Your correct, it is the least of your worries, but it won’t make Sally any different than the beautiful, amazing, love able and snugly child she is! I’m praying everyday and love you all so much….

  2. Patti Kiley
    Patti Kiley July 24, 2013 at 8:14 pm | | Reply

    Hi Nicole,
    My heart aches for what you are going through. I am Rick Kiley’s mom. There are good wishes and prayers for you and your family coming in a steady stream from Houston! God bless and keep you.
    Patti Kiley

  3. Jeanine
    Jeanine July 24, 2013 at 8:39 pm | | Reply

    I have faith in all of you!

  4. Joyce Blondo
    Joyce Blondo July 24, 2013 at 8:46 pm | | Reply

    Nicole, I feel so bad for what you are going through, I am praying for little Sally daily. Please tell your mom, I am thinking of her. My Nicole and I are thinking of you and your family, please know you are in our thoughts. Joyce, ( Joan’s sister)

  5. Cathie Mccafferty
    Cathie Mccafferty July 24, 2013 at 9:06 pm | | Reply

    I feel your pain as I read this ,and I am crying along with you .Just know that you have a wonderful support system and lots of shoulders to cry on if needed.m.My thoughts and prayers to you and the family.

    CAthie MCCafferty

  6. Denise
    Denise July 24, 2013 at 9:19 pm | | Reply

    Oh….I love the last sentence of your post, so, so much! As I write this through tears I can only tell you how much respect I have for you and Matt and how you are sharing the most intimate moments of this journey, with an impressive amount of strength! Our prayers continue, God bless you all!

  7. Betty Paul
    Betty Paul July 24, 2013 at 9:28 pm | | Reply

    You will need to cry it is heartbreaking my thoughts and prayers and anything I could do please let me know. You know I will always love you we had a special friendship. I only wished the best for you. You are strong and very loved you and your family will get through this. And don’t be afraid to ask for help because I know you would be the first to help anyone. You always had a beautiful heart and your daughter is going to be fine I will pray every day for her and your familt

  8. Michelle Zumwalt
    Michelle Zumwalt July 24, 2013 at 10:44 pm | | Reply

    This must be so frighteningly surreal. How heartbreaking to watch your precious baby go through this. The tears will be necessary to cope, but please know that you are not crying alone–here is one weepy fellow mom (and I’m not the only one) who can only imagine the grief and anxiety you are experiencing. You have my sympathy, support and, quite frankly, my admiration for your strength and honesty. Take heart that the passing of every bad day brings you closer to the next good one.

  9. Kristen
    Kristen July 24, 2013 at 11:03 pm | | Reply

    Nicole, You don’t know me, but I was very close with Matt and his whole family. I lived next door to his Aunt Barb and Uncle Tom for many years. Your sweet Sally Sunshine has absolutely touched my life and my heart! She never leaves my thoughts or prayers, and neither do you and Matthew! You both may be two of the strongest people I have ever encountered! I wish I had the right words to say to you as the two of you embark on this journey with Sally, but I don’t. Just know that you and your whole family are being wrapped in prayer and thought on a daily basis! Sending you positive vibes and big hugs!!!!

  10. Pam C.
    Pam C. July 24, 2013 at 11:35 pm | | Reply

    Nicole and Matt and Sally, You don’t know me. I help (grandma) Sharon. I have been following your trials through your writings and discussions with Sharon. God is with all of you…Sally, Matt, Nicole, the doctors, the nurses, the medicines. God is always here/ there with loving guidance for all. God has a plan for all involved. It’s a great long lasting plan. God is love. Let go and let God. Thank you for bringing Sally into this world for all of your family and friends to enjoy.

  11. Kimberly
    Kimberly July 25, 2013 at 12:36 am | | Reply

    Its just so unfair. I hate that you and your family are going through this. I usually try to say something positive but tonight I’m just mad at this situation. Fuck you cancer, I hate you! Ps… Sorry for the cursing

  12. Bob and Karen Hoppe
    Bob and Karen Hoppe July 25, 2013 at 8:21 am | | Reply

    Know that you are not in this alone…we will walk every step with you…and continue storming the heavens with our prayers.

  13. Helen Hentschel
    Helen Hentschel July 25, 2013 at 8:53 am | | Reply

    Hi Nicole, I’m crying along with you , stay strong , I’m storming the heavens for all of you everyday. God Bless , Love you !

  14. Iliana
    Iliana July 26, 2013 at 8:15 am | | Reply

    My dear…my heart is broken to read the pain in your words. I wish I was closer so I could help more…you are one of the best persons I have ever met and I am sure God will not leave your side.

  15. Margy
    Margy July 26, 2013 at 10:49 pm | | Reply

    It is impossible to fathom what u guys are going through and I don’t think it’s possible NOT to break down- it would actually be inhumane. But u have a lot of support and ALL of your family and friends would do anything for lil Sally. Try to say strong ( easier said than done) knowing that this will eventually be in the past.


  16. Marie Sidoti
    Marie Sidoti July 31, 2013 at 9:26 am | | Reply

    Hi Nicole,

    I was away and I am reading your journal and crying with you. Please know that as a mother I pray for you Sally and your family to stay strong. Sally is a Beautiful little girl and through the Prayers of Family and friends will get stronger. I am here for you….xoxoxo

  17. Tom Miller
    Tom Miller October 2, 2014 at 4:23 pm | | Reply

    Thank you Nicole (and Matt) for sharing your thoughts and struggles with strangers who have come to embrace your unfailing love for Sally and the boys. Who would have thought your family boxing gloves would end up sparing with the ESB and being raised in victory in Times Square and Coney Island. Keep up the fight with the knowledge that hundreds of people you don’t know are praying for you and that someday you will hold those boxing gloves up in victory for Sally.

Leave a Reply